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Hello, this is the last post about manipulation tactics! Next month I will cover Financial abuse topic. Today we will cover the following manipulation tactics:

• Gaslighting by Proxy
• Reverse Psychology
• Shaming and Humiliation
• Stockholm Syndrome
• Playing the Victim Card
• Weaponized incompetence

Gaslighting by Proxy

”Gaslighting by proxy is a form of psychological manipulation in which the perpetrator covertly encourages others to engage in behaviors that are harmful to the victim unknowingly. This can involve enlisting the help of third parties to reinforce false narratives, distort the victim’s reality, or even directly participate in the gaslighting. The manipulator may use various tactics to persuade others to doubt the victim’s perceptions and experiences, ultimately causing further distress and confusion”.

I would say that within this tactic can be included where your abuser talks badly about you to their family, so they start treating you worse and mostly support each other. Example, they could say behind your back to their family that you’re mentally unstable, therefore, they start treating you and talking with you as if you are mentally unstable. You are then left questioning yourself why they’re treating you that way and makes you feel stressed and confused. I know that a lot of abusers go by this narrative that they are calm and ”logic” and victims end up emotional and ”reactive”. I’ve experienced the same.

I personally don’t like when people are bias to someone just because they are their friend or family (because usually they say – oh my son wouldn’t do this, I know him/her etc). However, we all know that people act differently when they are with family, friends, co-workers and partners. Only really authentic people will act the same with everyone, and it is hard to be authentic as we all do put masks on. Also, people can change. Just because you’re a family member or a friend, doesn’t mean you know them well and it doesn’t mean you know them the best. People lie, pretend and mask themselves every day.

Reverse Psychology

”Reverse psychology manipulation is a psychological strategy that subtly influences others by suggesting the opposite of what is desired. This technique is often employed by individuals to provoke a specific reaction or behavior that aligns with their true intentions. By presenting an idea or suggestion in a reverse manner, the manipulator aims to elicit a response that serves their underlying purpose, often without the target being consciously aware of the manipulation. This strategy can be observed in various interpersonal interactions and is a common feature of persuasive communication and social dynamics”.

This one is tricky. For example, manipulator could say – oh I thought you wouldn’t want to try this as this is not for you. You agree to try whatever it is without knowing that manipulator did want you to try it.

It also could be if someone is pushing an idea – let’s say to go for a walk and they keep repeating it, and person automatically then goes – no, they don’t want to go. They stay at home. That could be reverse psychology too if their intention was to convince you to stay at home all along. Like, sometimes we automatically do the opposite of what we’re asked to.

Shaming and Humiliation

”Manipulators often resort to shaming and humiliation to assert control over others. These tactics aim to undermine the self-esteem and sense of worth of their victims, ultimately weakening their resistance and increasing compliance”.

I think this is quite obvious, when people call you names (cock, snake, curse words) it does humiliate you and puts your worth down. This is very usual in schools between teenagers. Calling someone a slut, insane or any other type that is meant to be demeaning is not good.

I remember with my ex we were playing with LEGO. He built some animal that to me it looked like a pig. So, I’ve told him that it looks like pig. To which he replied unhappily – you look like a pig… He personalized it and took it as if I’m calling him a pig – which I wasn’t and to him obviously pig had a bad association, otherwise, he wouldn’t reacted that way. It did hurt my feelings, simply because I didn’t understand what his built had to do with me or my looks.

Imagine calling your loved one a pig and then blaming them for it because their lego built reminded you of that animal and it became my fault he called me that as according to him, I shouldn’t have said it reminds me of a pig…. 😀 I actually don’t find pigs disgusting or ugly they’re cute for me, but they can be fat.

Stockholm Syndrome

”Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological condition in which individuals who have been held captive or abused develop an emotional connection and empathy towards their captors. This can happen as a result of the captors using a combination of kindness and manipulation alongside the abuse, leading the victim to sympathize with and even defend their captor’s actions”.

I’ve definitely got that one. I remember back in 2021 or 2022 I’ve mentioned to one friend that me and my ex argue a lot. She simply asked how the relationship is going, and I’ve opened up myself as I’ve trusted her. When I told her we argue quite a lot, she told me it shouldn’t be like that and if we argue so much in the beginning how it will go moving forward. However, instead of seeing her point of view and letting myself to think about it, I immediately went to argue with her and protect my ex, saying that we just started living together, we just need to get used to each other and eventually everything will work out. I’ve told her it is normal to argue as we lived by our own rules and now we need to adjust to each other. Actually, all these explanations were told by my ex to me.

I was wrong though and she was right. However, my first intent was to stand with him. And I’ve done it again in a future. I’ve excused him because my brain didn’t want to accept that someone who states they love you, they can harm you. At that time, I wasn’t ready to accept that, and my brain was protecting me from reality.

Again, I’ve heard that a lot of victims of abuse do that and unfortunately, it takes a lot of time and self-love to finally stand up for yourself and stop protecting them. I love people unconditionally and that brings me to a trap as people use my love as an excuse to behave badly and don’t get any consequences for their behaviour. Not anymore though.

Playing the Victim Card

”Manipulators frequently adopt the role of the victim to evoke sympathy, induce feelings of guilt, or divert attention from their own deceitful behavior. They cunningly present themselves as powerless, unjustly treated, or unfairly maligned to coerce others into providing support or fulfilling their own selfish desires”.

When I was going through a final break-up with my ex, I was very reactive and honestly, I didn’t have any patience anymore. We were arguing because he kept denying what he did, saying that I’m breaking up for nothing, he didn’t do anything etc. So, I’ve shouted at him and said – do you even know how it feels to be betrayed?! (Because he was denying that he cheated on me). I then went to my room (at that point we split in 2 different rooms) to have a timeout. He easily could provoke me at that point, so I was trying to remind myself that talking with him about anything is pointless. He then came to my room, sat down on the bed and stated: I know what it means to be betrayed. He then proceeded to talk about his friend from school who didn’t stand up for him while he was bullied, and he was betrayed by him. He started crying of how poorly he was treated by his friend. In my head I had thoughts – don’t fall far it, keep the calm. So, I answered to him something like – oh well it makes sense then why are you the way you are.

1 second. Click. His mood, his facial expressions, everything just switched. He immediately stopped crying and turned to be mad. He was so angry and then he shouted at me something similar to: I knew I couldn’t trust you, everything I say you’re using against me!

At that point I was scared. That switch. From crying and being a victim to suddenly being mad. The whole act. It was just an act.

So yes, they do love to play a victim, and they will act just to make you feel sorry for them, or guilty. Also – avoid responsibility. Again, instead of taking accountability that he cheated on me, he did what? He went to a manipulative tactic of how badly he was treated. And I never knew if it was true that he was bullied at school or not. I trusted he said the truth but at this point – who knows. I never was able to confirm that with anyone else.

Even if he was saying the truth, we already learned – if you were abused, that is not an excuse to abuse others. No one deserves to be abused, but it is your responsibility to not repeat a cycle.

I have one more manipulation tactic, that I’ve noticed from my own experience and which ones were mentioned on Instagram accounts about abusive people. This is called – weaponized incompetence.

Weaponized incompetence

”Weaponized incompetence — sometimes called strategic incompetence — is characterized by three core elements: performing a task poorly on purpose, claiming inability despite capability, and avoiding learning to escape ongoing responsibility for certain tasks” – from What Is Weaponized Incompetence? Signs, Examples, and What to Do

When you are asking for something from the person, you should ask only once. Things like – taking bins out, doesn’t require a change. It is a normal thing that people do daily. By asking someone to do something, doesn’t require to change their whole identity. If you have partner who smokes and you don’t smoke it may take time for them to quit it, however, you should immediately see their motivation and action. People who want to be with you – won’t wait; they will start acting immediately. If they don’t want to change that, then you will see no effort.

Another way of this tactic is when they tell you to do something because they don’t know how. However, when they need to do it as you are not there or for someone else – suddenly, they are very capable of doing that thing. Just not with you.

To add on this, when someone tells you they will change, time goes by, but they don’t. Giving you false promises, convincing that they can change and they will do anything for you, however, that day never comes. Example, me and my ex-partner had many disagreements how things should be done at home, cleaning etc. Every single time I would talk about this, he would confirm he can adjust, he will do what I asked etc. Only thing he asked from me is time. He needed time for that, and he said that people don’t change over the night. 2,5 years went by. Did he change? No. Did he do those things I have asked? No.

On top of that – another manipulation tactic is when you get into an argument, and that person starts doing things you were asking them for months. As if they want to show they feel guilty, however, it is manipulative as they expect you to back down and confirm that – yeah, they did change. Look, they are doing what you exactly asked them to (just only after an argument or when you say you want to break-up and as soon as you get back to good terms, they stop doing that too).

I like to think about it this way – if a loved person asks me of something that affects them and our relationship, I can do it. Especially, if that makes me a healthier or better human being. Of course, if you cannot agree, then you can go separate ways. Not always we want or can change but that shouldn’t stop you from living the life that you want.

Radical acceptance that person won’t change is what will help you to get out of any abusive relationship. I’m sure you heard it many times – if they wanted, they would have done it. Always believe people the first time. If after one time, they don’t want to commit – it is your message to move on.

That leads me to the point – if your lifestyles don’t match or if you or they don’t want to improve – it is okay to break up. My ex-partner manipulated me into staying with him by getting into a victim role and crying. Because I wanted to break up he would say things – how can I do it to him? He loves me so much, I want to break up with him over such a small thing that can be fixed, and etc. Basically, he made me feel guilty for wanting to leave. However, not matching your lifestyle or values is a valid reason to end relationship or even friendship with someone. Honestly, you can end anything you want, and you don’t even need to give a reason.

I was very easily manipulated, so I would give him chances and stay, I would always believe – it can get better, he is right. I thought – how can I do this to him? Unfortunately, I never thought about myself and how it will affect me. He knew that, so his manipulative techniques were working on me 100%.

CONCLUSION

Conclusion regarding manipulation tactics – knowing them won’t help you. You need to be able love yourself, set boundaries and know how to deal with a person who is manipulative. Also, you need to learn to notice patterns and unfortunately, it doesn’t show up immediately. Based on research it takes up to 6 months to see if someone is abusive/manipulative. It is usually because they cannot be acting forever and their true personality comes out.

However, if you were taught to tolerate abuse (as I was), you might not notice it at all, until abuse gets very bad. I mean very bad were you literally start losing your mind, yourself and everything starts crumbling down where you don’t even want to live anymore.

I hope this helps someone in a future. Next post will be about financial abuse!