12 minutes read time
Hello, a lot of people have misconception about victims of abuse and they don’t understand how:
- Someone doesn’t recognise they’re being abused
- Why they don’t stand up against abuse
- They cannot leave the relationship
- They go back to abuser after breaking up
Now, anyone can become a victim of an abuse, however, statistically, it is more likely that people who were abused in the childhood will end up in an abusive relationship.
Where does trauma bond come from?
Why does the childhood matter? Because that’s where trauma bond comes from.
During our childhood we learn one of the attachment styles. Right now, there are 4 of them: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. Based on these attachment styles when we become adults, we go and look for the partners who match our learned patterns. We look for familiarity because that’s what brain considers safe – something that is familiar. If you grew up with abusive parents or abusive environment aka dysfunctional environment, you’re more likely to get bonded by trauma.
B. V. Der Kolk in his book – The Body Keeps the Score wrote, that statistically, children who grew up with an abusive parent are more likely to end up with an abusive partner. Girls who were abused by their parents are more likely to be victims of rape in their adulthood.
What is trauma bond?
What is trauma bond based on Psychology Today website: is an emotional attachment that can form in an abusive relationship, specifically the connection the victim feels toward the perpetrator. A trauma bond is characterized by cycles of negative reinforcement interspersed with occasional bursts of positive reinforcement; this so-called intermittent reinforcement makes it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship.
Trauma bond from Facebook account about abuse (I forgot which one and doesn’t say on the pic)
My own experience
Background I came from
When I started therapy and reading a lot about abuse in general, it made so much sense how come did I end up in an abusive relationship. It was inevitable. I have an anxious attachment style and that is unhealthy one. Meaning, I would always get attracted to people who are unhealthy too and most likely abusive.
More to add on it, I grew up without a father, never met him. My mom abused me and on top of that I grew up in an abusive/dysfunctional/dangerous or other words rough environment. I was taught that abuse is a norm. I was taught that my needs don’t matter. I was disconnected and numbed from my own body and emotions. I was never able to be myself or to find out who I am.
First time I met my ex-partner
When I met my ex-time first time, I had the worst intuition. I literally thought after first time I saw him – oh I’m never going to meet with this guy again.
But I was taught to ignore my intuition and not to trust it. So, I’ve decided to give him a second chance. I was thinking that he would be good as a friend. I wanted to take my time to get to know him. But he didn’t want to, he started pushing and rushing to get into a relationship. He made me feel that he wanted me. My anxious attachment clicked in – oh he wants me!
And he got me. Because I was never taught to know what I want or that my wants are important, someone choosing me, meant everything for me. He wants me?! Awesome. Trauma bonding happened.
Reinforcing my trauma bond
I never understood I’m being abused until the very end of the relationship, it started slowly clicking to me.
With his cold and hot behaviour – he would just reinforce it. Because my mom was like that – cold and hot behaviour with me. All the “love” (wording this way as there is no love where abuse exists, more of a fake love) and then suddenly abuse. Same with my ex-partner. After a breakup and working with therapist, I’ve started noticing how similar my mom’s and my ex’s partner behaviour was. Honestly, some situations were exact. My behaviour – same. I was just reliving my childhood and acting on it. I was this small, helpless child who couldn’t say or do anything. Just obey.
Psychologically, when we are triggered, we hit survival mode and when we’re abused, we get to the stage of an age when we first experienced abuse. So, because I was abused when I was a child, that’s where my mentality would go and be stuck. I would totally forget I’m an adult and that I’m powerful.
I think there is another misconception about abusive relationship – why you didn’t say anything to them? Well, one thing I didn’t realise I am abused, but second thing with trauma bond, whenever I would be abused, I would unconsciously become this small child who cannot protect itself. I would shut down. That was my survival mechanism – shut up. The last therapy session me and therapist were thinking why I suddenly had that flip and started standing up for myself and I think I might know why. When we moved to Glasgow May 2023, 5 months later in October 2023, we bought pets – 2 degus. This is where my confidence started coming back, this is where I became a protector – I was protecting my pets and that’s most likely woke my brain up like – wait a second, I’m not a child anymore, because there is something smaller and weaker than me.
I think it’s like same with mothers. When they have children, it just switches to wanting to protect your children. So, pets for me are like children.
How did I manage to stop it?
Now trauma bond is very hard to stop. When I started wanting to break up with my abusive ex-partner in 2024, it took me maybe 10 times and I needed help. I just couldn’t do it myself. I remember thinking – what’s wrong with me, why I can’t just end this. But I would find myself crying and asking him to try to work it out because the thought of breaking up with him – that hurt my heart – literally. It wasn’t that I was begging him to stay, no, I would just calm down and ask him maybe we still can work it out, what can be done to improve our relationship. I knew that it’s wrong to stay together, but I just couldn’t force myself to breakup.
It is very hard, because going against trauma bonding is literally going against your brain. It is an addiction. It’s same with people who are addicted to alcohol, smoking, gambling, eating and etc. It’s like you lose your control. Same for me. As soon as we would be – okay, we’re breaking up, I just couldn’t do it.
I unfortunately, was unable to break up with him myself. So, I went to seek help in therapy because I was getting in a very bad state and abuse was getting more and more intense. I say to the people that my psychotherapist saved me. Thing is, what she did, she was there for me. That’s all I needed – a support. At that point I didn’t have anyone to go to. Just to clarify, she didn’t tell me what to do. She asked me, what I want to do. I said I want to break up with him. And she said – you can do that. What are your next steps?
Simple as that. Her asking what it is that I want and confirming that I can do it, if I want to. Just hearing those words – you can do that it’s like someone opened the door for me. That’s all I needed. And I did. Few days later I broke up and since then I never looked back.
That’s why I absolutely understand victims and why they struggle so much. You literally must go against everything you ever knew, go out of your comfort zone (yes, sounds crazy but abuse becomes our comfort zone because that’s all we ever knew, it became normal to us, for me personally it is 27 years of living like that). So of course, our brain will be – no, no, where are you going? I’m scared.
It is fucking scary. My brain was thinking my life will be destroyed because of this break-up. Absolutely no. My life is the best as it could ever be.
One Instagram account – Claire_Auden_ wrote: Trauma bonds are insane because what do you mean the more people who love you push you to leave the person hurting you before you’re ready, the more it pushes you away from safety and into your abusers arms. (100% agree).
(MEMORY) It is funny for me now, but it wasn’t funny at the time, basically before Christmas in 2024 we reached the stage of a break-up where we split the rooms. That moving furniture process was so overwhelming to me that I started crying. He came to my room, and he asked: why’re you crying, you wanted to break up? Anyway, I don’t remember the whole conversation because it was HOURS of talking, when eventually he told me that he is messaging his female colleagues at work and trying to meet them and stuff. I was like 😮 I honestly started crying hysterically, like what does he mean he is messaging his lady colleagues and getting to know them while he is still with me??!! He was saying something that he is lonely and he is trying to find friends. But when I asked him why he is not messaging MEN, he said they wouldn’t go anywhere with him, that’s not how it works, females are easier to talk to…. Mhm.. Because I was crying like type of cry in the movies you see, he sat down and started crying too??? I was like??? And he said to me what else he is supposed to do, we break up, then we go back together (like, maybe try to work on yourself? It’s funny to me because all that time while we were together, I was trying to figure out how can we fix this relationship, while he would just go flirt with other women behind my back. Not even once it came to my head to go and chat with other men, I mean he in generally isolated me from everyone and he was complaining that he was lonely, when he wouldn’t want to go anywhere) 😀 wow! Trauma bond is insane. It’s a fact.
After a break-up – trauma bond is still there
Though, even when I started healing 9 months later, when I went back to socialising, guess what? I started again being attracted to people who are not healthy. Not necessarily abusive, but toxic. Why it happened? Because my attachment style is still there. In order for me to stop having that anxious attachment, I need to work with myself, all the time, whenever I am with people and move myself to secure attachment.
Trauma bond is a curse and that’s why it works in an abusive relationship so well and why it’s so hard to get out. You can see the exit, but all you can think of is staying in the circle and walk around – because the exit seems too scary. You don’t know what’s waiting.
If someone is offering strawberries that you already know how they taste like and you’re not allergic, you will take them. But if someone else is saying – try this kiwi. But you never tried the kiwi, so, you don’t know whether you will be allergic to it or not. That’s kind of the same with trauma bond. Stopping it is taking the risk and it’s scary, though good thing that it is always a positive. Okay, I’m actually not right. Some victims are killed when they break up with an abuser. But some get killed while staying…. Unfortunately, but some must to continue to communicate with their abuser if they have children together.
How does trauma bond works from abuser’s perspective?
I don’t know. Not sure whether any study has been done on that. However, I would guess the same. They come from dysfunctional environment or family, they have unhealthy attachment style, and they look for someone who reminds them of their parent. The difference is that they take abusers role and they become an abuser themselves. Unfortunately, abusers come from abusive environments too. Not 100% but most likely.
Conclusion
Our psychology is very hard. There is so much still to learn and to understand. However, the most important part – we can change, we can improve and mostly – we can end bad things. WE DESERVE GOOD THINGS in life. Trauma bond – is not a life sentence. It can be broken.