I wanted to talk about this theme as I think a lot of people may not know what people pleasing is (I didn’t even know myself).

Description of people pleasing

According to Medical News Today article people pleasing is: ”People pleaser is not a medical term, so there is no clinical definition for what it means. Generally, it describes a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process.

Most people want to feel loved and valued, especially in close relationships. This is typical, as humans are social creatures and want to belong. As a result, many people occasionally adapt their behavior to make social interactions smoother.

Altruism, or the desire to help others, is another common trait in humans. Sometimes, this might involve an element of self-sacrifice, such as giving money, time, or energy to a cause.

What distinguishes these behaviors from people-pleasing is that the latter is difficult to stop. A person with a strong urge to please may feel they need to be whatever others want them to be. They may cover up how they really feel or agree to too many favours.

A person may feel temporarily good after they please someone, but this feeling does not last. They may need to continue doing things for others to feel useful or loved. Ultimately, this harms them, as they have fewer resources to take care of themselves”.

My experience as people-pleaser

People pleasing was my survival mechanism as being myself and asking for my own needs to be met meant something bad will happen. Mostly, me asking for something was not accepted because I had to think what another person wants first. Example, if I want to have a dinner, but other person doesn’t want to – I need to wait until they want that dinner. This means I was set to put others first rather than myself.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realise how many decisions I was making based on other people that it shocked me.

Now, how on earth I didn’t realise? I think it’s because I was doing it for 27 years and never noticed it. It was very automatic to me. Let’s say I’m great at analysing people and if I see that there is something they want from me, I’ll do it. I was doing things for people without even thinking whether I want to do this or not. I didn’t even think what it is that I want… Oh my friend wants to go to this cafe – yeah okay. My friend wants to do this – ok I’ll do it.

I would take responsibility for their wants and needs; I would take responsibility for their emotions and feelings. However, I never had an opportunity to take care of my own emotions and feelings.

Me as a person – didn’t exist. I was everyone else, but myself.

How people-pleasing might show up based on my own observations and some other people examples:

• You focus on what people want rather than what you want.
• Making decisions purely based on how other people feel/want.
• You lose yourself and you cannot develop as your own person.
• You don’t really know what you want.
• You do things for others just to not to hurt them.
• You do things that are uncomfortable for you just because someone else wants it.
• You’re scared to be yourself, say something you need or want.
• You make decisions but don’t know why you made them.

People pleasers are not ingenuine, they just never had an opportunity to become themselves, they learned to do so in order to survive. They were never allowed to be their own person, so it is automatic to them.

I have plenty of examples where I did people pleasing. Sometimes it is okay to make a decision based on what other person wants. However, if you’re making majority of decisions based on other people feelings, wants and etc – that’s unhealthy.

I won’t lie it is very hard for me not to think what other people want from me or what they expect. Like saying no to someone or setting a boundary feels weird for me and I also feel so bad. As if I am doing something really wrong.

Also, figuring out what I actually want or need in the moment is super hard. I am very slow at it. A lot of times I cannot make quick decision, and I need to properly think what it is that I want or need. Because when I make quick decision, I usually base it on another person’s mind.

Obviously, when you say no to someone or you set a boundary, they might feel upset. Of course, they are allowed to have feelings regarding this, however, with safe and healthy people that should never be a problem, and they need to take care of their own feelings and emotions.

I remember one event where I was feeling bad as I was about to have a panic attack. My friend, she stayed there with me, talked and was supportive. When I said I won’t be staying to socialise with people, she didn’t say anything, but she looked at me at certain way, and I immediately knew she doesn’t want me to leave and would like me to stay. But she didn’t say anything. I’ve got some water and we stayed talking and eventually I felt better. I calmed down and I’ve decided that I do want to stay. She then told me that she wanted me to stay but she didn’t say anything as she didn’t want to push me.

She gave me space and time to make my own decision. Since I felt safety, I could decide what I want to do next.

Another way how people pleasing can show up is that you don’t disagree with them even if you want to, or whatever they say you confirm it is same for you. I’m personally very scared of disagreeing with someone or simply stating my opinion. I was the person who could get along with everyone because I was never standing up for myself and just agreeing on what they think.

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say about the topic or don’t have an opinion about it as sadly, I never had an opportunity to think about my own perspective.

I remember once there were 4 of us, and 3 people were talking about is it okay to eat whole meals in the cinema or not and about their experiences. I wouldn’t say they were arguing but they were disagreeing with each other. I was completely silent. First, I was scared observing them whether it will escalate to something bad, and secondly, I had no idea what I think about this. I found myself in the middle, thinking that both sides have good arguments and I wouldn’t be able to put myself to one side.

People pleasing is so ingrained in my mind that I’m even friendly with people I don’t like. Now I am trying to change that and if I don’t like someone – I won’t try to please them. I simply won’t communicate with them or minimise communication as much as possible (I will still be polite and so on, but I won’t put effort into making them my friends). Before, I would not be able to end connection with someone even if I didn’t like them, I would always try to hold onto something I do like about them and be friendly. Not so long ago, I suggested for a person to go out when I don’t even like them because they mentioned that they would like to go somewhere or they don’t want to go home. So, I’ve heard them and I was like – yeah let’s go. (That’s how automatic it was for me, because in the end we didn’t end up going, but next day I was thinking – wtf, why I did try to please this person).

So yeah, I’m really used to doing things for people even if I don’t like them. That is another reason why I was so easy to manipulate with as I would never be able to stand up my ground, set a boundary or simply express how I feel.

I would also protect other people feelings but not my own. So, if someone hurt me, I would say nothing and keep it to myself as I wouldn’t want them to feel uncomfortable, although it would make me feel uncomfortable. Basically, my feelings didn’t really matter as that is post-abuse trauma. Like, I would keep things to myself until it would boil up and I would explode. I would carry the baggage, and at some point it would get too heavy. Then I would get feedback from people why I didn’t say something earlier and etc and I would be stuck. I would have no idea. It took me 27 years to realise what actually was happening with me.

I remember one of my Lithuanian friends, she once told me that I do a lot for other people. That was me people-pleasing and most of the times it wasn’t reciprocated as people wouldn’t go to do anything for me and I would be left hurt. I was the person who would give all myself and beyond to people I was with just to make them feel good.

People pleasing vs Manipulation

Some people may mix people pleasing with manipulation. So how to recognise which is which?

Manipulative people mirror you to make connection feel stronger and more real. They usually don’t like same things as you, but they use it to get your attention. They will pick up things from you to make an impression. Manipulator’s goal is to be in control.

People pleasers don’t try to make connection stronger; they just prioritise everyone else’s likes and needs and usually don’t even know what they actually desire. Their intention is not to impress. They usually do it to keep the peace.

People pleasers don’t try to hurt anyone, mostly they hurt themselves because they get lost in other people and cannot stand up for themselves.

Example, someone asks you to go to the event with them and you either don’t know if you want to go or you know you don’t want to, however, you agree to go, because:

• a) just because they asked you
• b) you don’t want to hurt their feelings
• c) You feel responsible for how they will feel if you won’t agree to go
• d) you don’t know what you want anyway and give power for them to decide

People pleasers are good chameleons same as manipulators; however, you need to look this way – people pleasers harm themselves while manipulators gain control. People pleasers usually are not even aware that they do this while manipulators are fully aware of their actions and their goals.

Conclusion

Self-awareness is a delight and a curse. Because you know why you are the way you are, but changing that takes a lot of mental power and work.

Which is never easy and that’s why so many people rather choose to stay as they are and don’t go deeper to their own mind. Ignorance is bliss as most people say.

I hope this helped to understand what people pleasing is and how it works.

You can read more here:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser#signs