Hi, today we will cover the following manipulation tactics:

• Fear-Mongering
• Guilt-Tripping
• Projection
• Intimidation
• Mirroring

Fear-Mongering – Manipulators can use fear as a tool to control and influence others. They achieve this by instilling feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, or dread, creating a sense of urgency and dependence on the manipulator for protection or guidance.

One of the ways that you can recognise fear-mongering is that they come up with bad consequences that may happen if you do as you want. They may come up with worst-case scenarios to make you feel there is no other option. They also might make you feel as if only they can resolve the matter and they can do it quicker or better.

My example is when we had issues with a flat, agency informed that landlord won’t be fixing an issue as it is our fault (which wasn’t), at that time, I’ve got very angry, so I have send them email with proof why it isn’t our fault and explained that if they won’t have it fixed, me and my ex-partner would consider moving out. I’m not proud of that email, however, it was my last straw with everything else that was happening. It was a Halloween and I have done everything – prepared the whole flat, bought stuff for Harry Potter theme and was getting ready myself to be Hermione. My ex came from work, and he was already mad at me. He was angry because I shouldn’t have send an email without him and how dare I do this. (At the time I didn’t realise that he was getting angry because he started losing control of me and I was making my own decisions which for him wasn’t acceptable). He didn’t even read the email as I sent it via my personal account. However, when he read it he got even more mad and told me, that now they will be moving us out, am I happy that’ve done it and he was questioning me where we gonna live now and etc. I genuinely felt so scared that I’ve send that email and later on I felt guilty so, I’ve sent second email to agency saying that all I wrote it was just me and my ex-partner doesn’t agree. Because I got scared, we will be kicked out of flat as he told me that this is what will happen.

Now, none of that happened. Everything worked out. However, I can assure you that after that I was scared to do any decisions without him.

I’m trying to think of more examples of my own experiences, however, majority of them relate to finances. That would be different category of abuse. In general, if someone is telling you that you should do as they say because there might be bad consequences otherwise and they know better how to do something – that I would consider fear-mongering. They make you feel anxious to make your own decisions and rely on them rather than yourself. Sometimes they might know better, sometimes they don’t. They might question by saying something like that – do you want to do this and then experience this and that (something negative)?

Guilt-Tripping – Manipulation through guilt-tripping is a tactic in which individuals seek to control others by placing the burden of their emotions or actions on them. This often involves exaggerating their own suffering or portraying themselves as victims to elicit feelings of guilt and ultimately gain compliance from the other person.

First example – It was my birthday and my ex-partner didn’t do anything for me that day. We had a big argument regarding a greeting card as he knew it was important for me. I loved greeting cards. However, he didn’t write it as he didn’t have time for it. When he finally wrote it in the end of the day, he gave it to me and said similar to this – be happy I bought one for you because no one was buying greeting cards for my birthday.

That is guilt-tripping. At that time, I didn’t feel guilty for how his family treated him, however, I did get angry, because I couldn’t understand what his experience had to do with my own birthday. Especially, when in previous years, we’ve been together it was never an issue. This kind of behaviour makes you feel bad for asking basic things that are normal in a relationship and basically teaches you, that if you ask for something – it is going to be greeted with negative consequences. What happens then – you stop asking as you are scared and you want to avoid any type of negativity.

Another thing, I was not allowed to talk about Lithuania, because whenever I would mention something about it, like memories with friends or anything from there, he would get upset and would tell me that I want to leave him and go back to Lithuania. I generally, felt guilty for talking about it and eventually stopped as I didn’t want to upset him. In very beginning of our relationship, I almost went back to Lithuania due financial situation I was in the UK, I simply couldn’t afford to continue to study in the UK and I’ve mentioned that to him that I may need to go back. He started crying and telling me, how can I do this to him, that he can help, that if I leave, that’s it – our relationship is going to end.

I cannot explain how guilty I felt about it, seeing him like this was honestly breaking my heart. He was saying he will give me all the money I need and etc. Thankfully, he didn’t need to help me. It all worked out that I’ve managed to stay in the UK. At that time, I would never think of this as guilt-tripping, however, healthy person would tell me to do what I think is best for me. They might feel upset and sad, but never make you feel guilty or push you into making decisions that you don’t want.

A lot of guilt tripping I’ve experienced while being in the car with my ex-partner. I was allowed to talk in the car only when he wanted me to talk. This can also be considered as coercive control which I will talk about later on.

He would tell me that I’m making him stressed and angry. The reason is that sometimes he was driving recklessly, and I would notice things on the road he wouldn’t, or he would start going over speed limit, over red traffic light and etc. I was not trying to control him, my intention was – to be careful. We had at least few times where we almost got into a car accident and I was the one who noticed what happened. However, me keeping notice of what was happening on the road, started making him mad. So, he told me, that I’m making him stressed and he cannot drive while I’m talking. I genuinely felt guilty. But truth is, him getting stressed or angry is not my fault and not my emotions. It was his. And he was supposed to deal with that. Later on, I stopped talking in the car, so I wouldn’t provoke him (I was already very scared to be with him in the car), but then he started asking why I am so quiet? When I told him that he asked me not to speak, he said to me, that on certain times I can talk. Basically, he told me that I had to ask every single time when we are in the car whether I can talk with him or not. 🙂 Only if he allowed – I could talk. Otherwise – be quiet. And obviously, I was not allowed to tell him anything about what is on the road or about his driving, because he told me that I don’t have driving licence and cannot be telling him how to drive.

Projection – Often, manipulators resort to projection to avoid taking responsibility for their faults or negative traits. Through projection, they attribute their own shortcomings to others, making their victims accountable for their actions or emotions. This narrative manipulation allows the manipulators to sidestep accountability and avoid facing the consequences of their behavior.

One of projection example could be – someone tells you that it is your fault why you don’t visit your relatives as they don’t like you. However, truth is that relatives don’t like that person, not you.

Another projection example can be if you say that someone treated you bad because of their negative trait, but they then suddenly say that is you who has that negative trait and the reason they behaved is because you have that. It kind of falls similarly to a blame-shifting, however, this one is them precisely telling you that you are the one who does it and makes you take the whole responsibility of how they behaved.

Intimidation – is a deliberate strategy employed to induce fear and subjugate others. Manipulative individuals often use it to enforce compliance through various means, such as aggressive conduct, verbal threats, and demonstrations of authority. This behavior is aimed at exerting control over others and can have detrimental effects on the mental and emotional well-being of the victims.

I have one of my examples, but I’ll cut it short – my ex-partner was giving verbal threats and was aggressive because I told him that he should first boil water for the pasta and then put pasta in the pot. However, he put pasta first and then decided to put boiled water. I was explaining to him why he should cook pasta the usual way and he got mad. So, he boiled water in the kettle and told me it will be good enough. I was showing him on internet to explain why it should be opposite way as honestly, he could have taken pasta out and then do it as usual way, but he didn’t want to. I was sitting on the chair calmly talking with him, while he was getting madder and he was shouting. Finally, when water boiled in the kettle, he opened the kettle and shouted – do you want me to prove you that water in the kettle is boiled? I remember I’ve got silent because I got scared. I didn’t really understand what he means by proving that there is boiled water, not to mention that he opened the top of kettle and slightly lifted to a side in front of me. And I didn’t want to find out what he means as he was so aggressive, I then agreed with him and didn’t say anything. To which he replied – finally. So, with this threat he was trying to exert control and shut me down.

Mirroring is a psychological manipulation technique used to build rapport and trust. It mimics the victim’s behavior, preferences, and values, creating a false sense of familiarity and connection. This is based on the psychological principle that people are more likely to trust and feel comfortable with those who are similar to them. By mirroring, the manipulator aims to make the victim feel more at ease and trusting, ultimately making them more susceptible to being influenced or controlled.

I think this one is relating to love-bombing. Mostly, it happens in the beginning of a relationship to fake a connection. It is very hard to recognise because we sometimes genuinely match with people. I think, if someone is mirroring you, you can only recognise it after properly getting to know them.

So, examples I have provided are very specific, but I hope it makes it a bit clearer on how manipulation can sound and be. One of the easiest ways to spot if someone is manipulative if they guilt-trip you. If they make you feel guilty for the way they behaved or that you’re doing something very wrong to them. None of us are perfect and we do hurt each other and that sometimes may look like manipulation, however, how to know if someone is manipulative is by consistent – repeating behaviour. Manipulators don’t change and they keep the same tactics.

25 Psychological Manipulation Techniques