Hello,

didn’t plan to make this post, but I just really want and need to get this out of me.

Do you know that video with abused kitten who is attacking a cat which is trying to show softness and patience until that kitten calms down?

Today I’ve realised – I’m that kitten.

I have been so scared after abuse that I became so protective over myself that whenever someone shows up, I’m just trying to come up with ideas how they want to hurt me. That people getting my trust just trying to get to me and use it and eventually, they will do something. I’m so scared that I cannot understand my intuition and get lost but not only that, me being scared pushes people away and makes me so vigilant that I get tired. I scan people like through and analyse everything they are saying, how they are moving and etc.

Like honestly, like a lie detector.

I didn’t realise how scared I actually am. Until I’ve came back to memories of my ex-partner’s abuse, my mom’s abuse and an environment I grew up.

And it makes me mad and angry, that I cannot simply relax and be happy. I just can’t. I’m trying to do everything, to sort out all the problems that come to me (I even think that everything else is against me, not only people, but everything – at my job, electricity company, neighbour), so while I am trying to heal, live by myself, make new friends, meditate, therapy, learn who I am, what I want and what I need, I’m trying to stay normal and at least be happy and IT’S NOT FUCKING WORKING. I can’t. I can’t do it alone. It’s just too much. I genuinely cannot handle anything and I’m tired of trying to handle.

I hate that this is how it is right now, it’s rough. And I just want it to stop. But I cannot stop it, I need to feel through it, get through and somehow change my life.

People keep saying to me that I should be proud of what I have achieved within 1 year being out of abuse. But they don’t know that I lived in abuse for 27 years, so 1 year for me personally feels like nothing. And although, they’re right, that I should be proud and I don’t give myself enough credit, it’s not helpful, because I don’t really have who to share this credit with. Well, probably I do, but when I’m constantly scared that everyone is there to just hurt me it feels like I’m alone.

And that is one of the dark sides of being abused, it doesn’t end with you leaving an abusive person, no it goes with you, all that fear, all hidden emotions and it’s in the body and it controls you. It’s hard to override it.

Because I keep pushing forward and then something happens and fear kicks and it blocks me. Like, this week, I’ve been trying to think of all ideas how people doing something just to hurt me. It’s not even overthinking, it’s just me trying to be like – oh they are doing this, because they want to do this to me and bla bla bla. It’s insane how your brain is trying to predict danger in EVERY SINGLE CORNER.

I honestly think that people behaving with me on purpose, so they later on, will show their face and I’ll be like – I knew it. It’s almost like that vicious cycle or self-prediction? Like I want to be so right about why people acting the way they act that I keep just getting it wrong.

I do know why I’m doing this, it’s because my ex-partner was awesome at being someone else who he wasn’t. He so tricked me, played with me and manipulated that when I finally saw him for who he is it made me soooo terrified. Because I was like – how on earth, I’ll ever be able to trust anyone, after this?

Abusive people need to be stopped, seriously, the damage they do is awful. And another thing that makes me mad, because me being scared, means that those people who abused me are still in control. They still control me, they don’t have to be near me, the damage of their behaviour is in me. And it makes me mad, because I don’t want them to control me anymore.

So yeah, I’m that kitten – scared, angry and wanting to be in control – I’m not surrendering because I lost belief that there are good people. I truly have lost my faith in humanity.