Hello

I need to make a confession. 😀

I was watching podcast with Emma Watson and I loved what she said about values. She was questioning herself – does she live by her values and does she honour them?

That made me realise, that some of my values are not being implemented in my life. Which means I just said to myself – this is my value, but I am not honouring that value myself.

First one is simple one – honesty.

I was never honest with myself. Therefore, I was not honest with others. Moreover, I had people in my life who were not honest. Being honest is difficult.

One of the reasons why I came to this conclusion, is that.. Well, after breaking up with my abusive ex, I opened up myself to my friends. One friend asked me: how did this happen; he was good all this time and suddenly changed to bad?

I remember I kind of got stuck as I didn’t know what to answer. Truth is, he didn’t change from being good to being bad. I was just not telling anyone anything. I was not saying what he was doing or how he was treating me. But at the same time, I didn’t want to tell her – I just never told you what was happening – because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I thought she will think I didn’t trust her or whatever random nonsense I was thinking.

One of the reasons why I didn’t really tell anyone much because in childhood I was taught not to talk if someone is treating me badly. I was taught, if I talk, there are going to be consequences. But at the same time, I was so much excusing my ex, I was blaming myself for his behaviour and truly, I wasn’t honest with myself. Because I was trying to make sense of his behaviour. Which didn’t make any sense.

I think, I was scared. I was scared to be honest with myself. So, there was no way I could be honest with others. You know, to think that person who is supposed to love, is hurting you, to just admit that to yourself is hard. Because we don’t want to believe that people we love may hurt us, right?

We want to believe that people are good in their hearts. Especially our loved ones. To admit that someone is actually evil – takes time and courage.

And interesting enough, I did write a post here, where I said, that even people who love you, will hurt you and that you should expect that. Now I know, that I was trying to avoid a truth, which was exactly in front of me.

You know, saying it at loud to myself that I was abused, means confirming, that I wasn’t loved. Because love cannot coexist with abuse. And to accept that person who is supposed to love you the most, is actually hurting you – that is hard.

So my value of honesty – didn’t exist. How can I expect someone to be honest with me, if I wasn’t even honest with myself?

Even now, something happened and I have got triggered by some events in my life. Basically, I have realised that I don’t want to pretend I am okay when I’m not. And what I got triggered by is trying to socialise with people, but socialising with people you need to feel good. I know you will say – you don’t have to.

Please tell me when was the last time when you felt awful and you told people that who were around you or who you barely knew that information?

I can’t imagine myself getting to know someone and when they ask – how are you? Answer – I’m not okay because I am working on myself healing all traumas and etc.

No. You don’t say these things. You just answer – good, how are you?

And I hate that. I literally got a panic attack recently of how overwhelmed I was and it happened in a train in a public. Because I was not okay, while I tried to pretend, I am okay.

I have realised, I don’t want to do that anymore. My whole life I was pretending I am fine when I was scared to go home, every day I was pretending that person who is with me is not hurting me, while I would be crying on the floor with a pain on my chest.

I want to be honest and I know that some people are not gonna accept it, but right people will understand and stay. Basically, I don’t need the whole world to be agreeing with me. I just need to agree with myself.

That what inner values are for. So you would know where you stand and what you want.

Having your values is not enough. You need to live by them and make sure you are following them. The easiest example I can tell is being faithful/ loyal to your partner. I have this value, so I never did anything, that would make me unfaithful. However, when my ex-partner was unfaithful to me, suddenly, my value was gone and I’ve tried to forgive??

That is definitely not following my values either, is it?

Living by your values not only means that you need to follow them, but people around you, should meet those values. And if they don’t meet, then you say goodbye to them. Trust me, I’ve learned it a hard way. If you honour your own values, people who are right to you, are going to have either the same values or honour yours.

So, my question is to you now – do you honour your values and live by them? Be honest 😉