Hello

thought this time will do a bit personal post.

So, it is officially 5 years since I’ve moved to the UK. Approximately 2,5 years in England and 2,5 years in Scotland.

My life, myself changed so much. So many things happened and at the same time, didn’t.

I remember I wrote one post, where I said that UK made me negative. Now I know it had nothing to do with the UK. It all had to do with a person I was with.

Actually, being in the UK helped me to become myself. Not yet, but I have slowly started taking those steps. What I mean, is that I am finally becoming my authentic self. I absolutely, didn’t know who I was, what I want, I was so detached with myself and my emotions. It is kind of probably strange to hear this, because throughout this blog, I have been very emotional. My poetry is very expressive. I think writing is where I feel safe to express myself. It just makes me feel safe. I just write and let it go. Contrary, in reality, my day-to-day life, I wasn’t able to express myself as I wasn’t safe. It wasn’t that I didn’t try, I did, but with certain people, me expressing my thoughts or feelings were not accepted. I was either receiving more abuse or was just made silent and shut down. I was programmed to be silent that at some point so much that I have abandoned myself and all I became was what other people wanted me to be. Unconsciously, I was doing what they wanted, how they wanted, even when I didn’t want to, I just did because I was taught that I must serve others.

I actually found a thought from TV-show the 100, where I wrote in my diary – I bear it, so they don’t have to. Basically, I was saying, that I was taking all responsibility on how people behaved with me and with others…

Truth is, I was never allowed to become myself. And that is sad.  How many labels I have heard about myself. Everywhere. Silent girl, nerd, artist and list goes on. But I didn‘t even know who I am, so for others to be labelling me was definitely more difficult.

What happened in the UK is that I had to put myself out of my comfort zone and learn so many things about myself. Being in a foreign country released my soul and healed me. I have realised that if I stayed in Lithuania, there was no way of healing. Why? Because that environment was destroying me and you cannot heal where you are being destroyed.

Even though, Lithuania did damage me, I was really grieving my home country. I think a month ago I listened to songs from Song Festivals that happened in there. I was sobbing. Then I have realised why I was grieving it so much. Because I stayed in the UK not by my choice. Because I was manipulated and tricked into staying here for the person who later abused me. If you want to understand how can someone be manipulated or tricked, it is simple – people say one thing, but do the other. If someone says they love you so much and you mean everything to them, but then goes and betrays you, lies to you, abuses you, that means they were manipulating you.

I read on Dr Ramani book that grief we experience of missing out because of abuse is massive and different. Because you realise how your life could have went in different way if that person wouldn’t have abused you or made you stay somewhere you didn’t even want in first place. I didn’t want to stay in the UK as my plan was to go back to Lithuania after Master’s degree. However, my ex-partner used my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and made me stay.

That is one of the ways to know if someone is evil – they don’t point out your weaknesses, no. They don’t help you to notice them or work on them. They use them. They use it for their own benefit.

However, with a therapy and my own work I stopped grieving. My psychotherapist made me realise that I can always go back to Lithuania. It is not like the doors are closed. Plus, now, I made my own decision to stay in here at least for some time. For how long, I don’t know. And making my own choice helped me. These things calmed my nervous system and I stopped grieving.

Of course, I only understood it this year, since being alone, seeking for help, healing and working on traumas I have experienced, being in solitude, these things helped me. I truly feel that this year I have experienced awakening. I wouldn’t say I was wearing pink glasses, no, I was wearing blurry and foggy glasses. That made me lost. This year, I took those glasses off and stepped into my deep self to finally let it go.

I have learned so much about myself, I am daily becoming stronger, more confident, basically, somebody that I never knew I was capable of being. I guess spiritual people would call it – higher self. I am becoming that higher self-version.

I think this is an appreciation post, how happy I am, that I left things that were hurting me and took a brave step into saying – enough is enough. You know, when you truly know who you are and what you want, life just starts working out. When you are lost, you meet people, get into situations that make you even more lost.

Finally, last thought. I have been wanting to share about traumas and abuse I have experienced. However, because it is 27 years of constant life in fear, it is taking me time to not only comprehend what I have experienced but also accept it. Acceptance is a big thing when it comes to traumas and abuse. I have put a lot of trauma and abuse under the lock and tried to forget about it. More than half of abuse I’ve experienced, I didn’t even understood it. Also there was no way of forgetting it, because I needed to release it. I am now learning, releasing and accepting it. Of course, healing too.

One person told me something that I think is so powerful for any victims of abuse, that is: You know the truth and you know what actually happened and that is the most important thing.

And that is something nobody can take away. Knowing the truth, knowing what someone did to you, is powerful. Because I know that those people who abuse, don’t change. They will just go and abuse somebody else. That is who they are. For me personally, thinking that I can heal, I can move on and be happy and have a knowledge about people who are abusive and recognise them – it is powerful. Not letting other to abuse you anymore – is powerful.

As I have mentioned many times, the best thing a person can do is work on themselves and become the best version they can. Become a good, loving, compassionate, understanding and empathetic person. Become your true authentic self.

Of course you will say, but Egle, trauma and abuse made you. Trauma and abuse were my experience, but it doesn’t define who I am. It didn’t make me; it was destroying me. Also, I love the thought that keeps coming to my mind – no revenge, because abuse stops with me.

So, I am not letting trauma and abuse to define me. Otherwise, I would literally get into depression and very negative lifestyle. I will let it go one day, because I need to become what I need.

You know, with a state of a world we are in right now, there are too many abusive people, too much aggression, it is time, to make a stop to it. But I cannot do it, until I heal and recover myself. However, I will do my best that I can, to make sure, that I am healthy in all ways possible and help others to become healthier, so we can slowly reduce abuse, until eventually, it will be gone.