Hello,

I wanted to share my healing journey and reveal some truths about it.

It is not nice.

I do keep having breakdowns as healing after trauma and abuse is not what I was thinking of.

When I started my healing journey, I thought I will stop my life and just put all attention to healing. Every day, as much as possible and in few months, maybe half year I will be fine and will be able to move on…

Unfortunately, I’ve realised quite different things during my breakdown. First of all, healing is not linear. This means that during healing journey you go through ups and downs. Examples – one week I can be very motivated, next week I don’t want to do anything.

I’ve realised that with trauma and abuse I have experienced it will take years.. Yes, YEARS for me to heal. And during that healing time, I need to live a life. I need to move on, seek for my goals and just enjoy living.

It is challenging and it will be challenging, I just recently admitted to myself how much of abuse and trauma I experienced and now I need to change myself from the core.

Person I was in the past was easy to manipulate and abuse and now I need to heal myself that wouldn’t allow anyone to mistreat me.

At the same time healing means forgiveness. I was thinking about that a lot and truth is I cannot forgive now. I am sure I will be able in a future. But not now. Reason is that I don’t want to force it, forgiveness needs to come naturally.

And you know what is the most infuriating thing about healing?

You need to heal because other people damaged you. You need to make yourself better. But abusers? They just move on. They live their lives like nothing happened and search for a new person to abuse. I feel like it is not fair. Because of traumas and abuse I didn’t get what other people already had and that put me in the back of the race. I am just learning now how to value and love myself.

How you are supposed to heal when you know it is not your fault that you were abused and traumatised? But it is my responsibility to fix it….

Why I should be fixing myself if it was not me who damaged it?

Answer is obvious. People who hurt us, cannot heal us. We need to become the best versions of ourselves and because we are good people.

Abusers never change. Because truly abusive people have psychological disorders or their brain function differently. There is no way of healing that.

Of course, I keep thinking about justice.. Where is it?

At the same time, I need to let go those people and think that life will bring that justice. Also, those people will never know what love, compassion and unity is. That is already their punishment because those people are not capable of love. You know that thought from Harry Potter? When he says to Voldemort that he feels sorry for him as he will never know what love and friendship actually is?

That is exactly a punishment for abusers. They think that obeying them means love. But it doesn’t. Lust is opposite of love. Control is opposite of love. They don’t know what love is and they will never now.

People who truly love shouldn’t waste their time giving love for those who don’t deserve it. I gave my time, love, compassion to people who didn’t deserve it.

Healing includes so much analysation that it makes you feel so many emotions. It is overwhelming. I also have like 3 pages of lists to do.. Tasks from myself, from psychologist, some things that I have to do for others… However, those things on the list will be my small steps towards changing myself for a better.

So, healing is not what I thought it is and it will take me years but at the same time I need to continue and live my life.

If you are going through healing – well done, keep moving. If you know someone who is going through healing be patient with them and be a safe space they can lean onto.