Hello, how are you? How is life?

I had a bit of sadness. Yesterday I remembered some things that have happened to me and I cried. People hurt each other all the time but what they don’t realise how it is going to affect a person. Mostly, because we are selfish, we only care about ourselves. I have been hurt plenty times, by people I loved and cared about, by people who were random to me but I couldn’t avoid them. Mainly it hurts the most when people who you care and trust the most acts like you are nothing to them. They don’t realise that you just a same human as them.

What I cried about is that I noticed how those things that have been done to me affect me right now. How it affects my behaviour and how it will affect my future. Let’s say some things I overthink, I am afraid of the past repeating. I want to protect myself and I want to be extra cautious. It makes me angry as well because I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to remember the past, more over I don’t want it to change me or make do stupid decisions. These things you could call trauma. Everybody needs to work with their traumas. But when you have too many of them it starts to be too heavy, you start overthink everything. Honestly, I considered many times to become a nun or close myself from the world because I cannot handle people. I cannot handle the fact that you plan things with your close person and everything dissapears one day.

Especially, if you have physical memories like photos, stuff you bought to each other. Anything that might remind you of that person and then you think about the experiences and you not only remember bad things, you remember good times too and then you wonder how it could go so wrong? Planning the future and realising there is no future anymore…

It hurts.

I know that every person is different and I still hold optimism about new people I meet. I still think it can work out. But sometimes those dark days comes, or memories flashes in front of your eyes and you don’t want to believe. It is hard to believe.

One thing that I noticed I have been traumatized about is the future. I am just afraid to think of the future if it includes somebody too. I am brave to think about myself and what I want to do, it always works out. But when I start thinking about a future with certain person it just no… My brain says no. I don’t even want to hear that future. I don’t want to be dissapointed again….

You know.. The last thing I want is to hurt anybody else. Because I know how it feels, I know it is not fair. But I know some people are opposite. If somebody hurt them they not gonna bother and they gonna hurt somebody as well. Maybe some gets their revenge like this. I am not sure. This one I can’t approve.

That is why healing is so important and working with yourself is crucial. It is not an easy thing. But I really have this wish – to heal, so it won’t affect me right now or in a future.

What helps? For me – talking, writing it down in a diary (sometimes multiple times), meeting new people and moving further. Focusing on my goals and what I want.

Don’t be afraid. This is the main advice I would give. Don’t let the fear win, don’t let it control you or scare you. Be in control of your mind. And even if something happens you’ve been afraid of – be sad, take some time and again move on. Don’t lose faith. Nature is cruel that is why people are cruel. But Universe is peace. It is nothing and everything. If we focus on Universal truths, the peace will reach us.

xx, Love, Egle.