So yeah. Changing. What I understood in changing.. Or should I say – becoming myself?
When you become who you truly are and by that I mean when you finally have no influence on your character and your story, soon you will start notice how exterior is becoming a stranger. Friends, situations or other things they just do not fit anymore in your life. We all get in the bottom of life. And then we lose friends, jobs, or even ourselves when we are in there. But we also lose something when we start to raising up and when we are reaching for the highs. You lose many things when you are yourself, when you do not act, simply, when you are not going with the flow. When you go your own way.
Some will not understand “new” you. Some will hate you. But that is not a new you. When we are raising up we just getting back to genuine us. We comeback to our values and our view. Influence brakes us. And we have to fix us. Some stays in the bottom, they will say that they enjoy this particular lifestyle but deep down they will feel – something is not right. Some will try to bring you back to the bottom because that was convenient to have you on there. So yeah. Being yourself with your true colors is so damn difficult. Because a lot changes: things that made you safe, things that you trusted.
I’m happy that I have this strength. To not be afraid to be myself. To show my scars. To be angry, to be happy, to be sad. Not a society describes us. We do. Of course it feels lonely, it feels like you have nothing. But no. You have the biggest treasure of everything you can ever have – you have your path and your story. Actually, that is what I wished for. Not to lose myself. After long, bad and bloody fights, I stood up for myself. I chose me. And maybe it might sound a bit egoistic. But that is not what I mean.
I mean that you are true yourself when you stop listening what others says to you and you start take responsibility for your actions. And when you stop bringing other persons to your life decisions. That is how I chose me. Because deep down only I know what I really want and what is best for me. As I said, when you open your eyes and do what you are meant here to do, everything changes. You lose fake world with fake images and expectations. To accept that is hard. Because you can’t share it to someone as they are not thinking the same way. Well, as long as I remember myself, since childhood, nobody was thinking like me. And nobody understood me. And that was fine! Because I was myself.
For example, in the school everyone taught that I was a nerd. When I didn’t even want to make my homework and I was doing them because my mum told me so. I was crying all the time when I had to do my homework. Especially, if I didn’t like the subject. Everyone in the school taught that I am mommy girl. Truth is, when they asked me to meet (go drink in there or smoke) I just lied that my mum can’t let me go as I need to stay home. Simply because they couldn’t understand that I just didn’t want it. Not because my mom told me so (she even didn’t know about that) or because they do bad stuff. No. I just didn’t want it.
So, you see. It is hard to be yourself. As others won’t understand that. Not everyone can accept you for what you are. Others enjoy playing with you until they don’t need you. So, sometimes you must to say no to the things that are not making you happy. Because people tend to do things which makes them fake happy. If you feel that you are ready – be yourself. Maybe you will be a bad person, maybe good. But it is crucial to stand up for your true happiness. And nowadays to have a luxury to be yourself is rare.
Egle Ku 