I think this is one of my first posts where I need to think what I‘m writing really carefully, because I can‘t tell everything yet. Well, as you may saw from the title it will be about trauma. We are get used to say this word without even knowing the real meaning. Here is quotation: „The American Psychiatric Association’s current definition of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), introduced in 1994, states that a person must have experienced or witnessed an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others, and which involved fear, helplessness, or horror.“ I will put a few good videos about it in the end. 😉

Today, or more precisely, this weekend I understood how past shadows are following me and stops me to from going further. Childhood/teenage years trauma which were for more than 2 years turned into an illness – headache for 6 years and still I have this pain. And I just noticed how some places or even phrases arouses my memories which I buried deep down.

One summer I was at sanatorium so I had to go to the psychologist.. But she just yelled at me and then all the times she put her signature on medical book that we had a conversation when in real time she just was letting me go. So I had a really bad vision of these specialists. Also my school had a few psychologists but they were even worse… To pay for the super amazing psychologist we didn’t have the money at that time.

But that is not what I want to talk about. Honestly, no matter how I tried to avoid those memories and over take them with a good emotions they still are inside me. And those memories always comes out. Especially, when somebody hurts me because I react really sensitively and also I don‘t get how somebody can hurt like this when they don‘t know my past. But that is the problem – they simply just don‘t know.

I am tolerant, I don‘t discriminate and I absolutely respect humans because I know and I have experience what it feels like to have a terrible and scary things deep inside yourself. And I know how others behavior can make remember those traumas. But others don‘t think like me and I always forget that.

From the other side that is my problem that I haven‘t dealt with my deep and clear trauma. As I mentioned I have headaches for 6 years and the reason is neurological – psychological. I watched those English videos and I understood that first of all I need to confide my sorrow. Next, I have to reconcile with my past. I have to understand that my childhood/teenage years was not normal and my personality is like this because of that. I can‘t let the past influence my future.

If you want some examples, I can say what my triggers are which I hate. That is – Lithuanian police and phrase- don‘t be afraid of. Till now I couldn’t understand why I hated when someone said to me- don‘t be afraid to ask, or to say something… I even get pissed by this phrase. Now I know – it is because of the trauma. Also I always avoid police and I do not trust them. That is one of the things that should make you feel safer but not for me. I don‘t believe in them and more I don‘t trust them.

Interesting how our mentality works.

If you are the one who had a serious trauma, certainly talk to someone about it, cry it or even brake stuff. Just don‘t follow my lead. Because now I regret that those traumas interfere my daily life and I will need much more time to get over it. As you may know weed-grown over plants is not good. Plants has to blossom to reach their finale goal.

In the same time, respect each other more, be tolerant, do not discriminate and try to understand more. Not always it is easy to understand people but we need to try. Because often all of those who seems strong and always happy may hide deep and heavy things. But those people know how to appreciate happy moments or just moments because they know that in that time they are completely safe…

Peace ❤